Just Want
“O God, come to my aid; O Lord, make haste,” so Cassian insisted we should pray: The oft-chewed syllables have lost their taste, a muted cry in morning’s washed-out gray as, elbows on my knees, I hang my head and seek the strength for getting out of bed. O God, what can I tell you? I just want— What more, beyond this roof, these walls, the bed, full fridge, hot water flowing like a font? And yet the words come ringing in my head, “I just want—” and they hang unspoken there, unfinished as the soul they’re laying bare. O God, O infinite as my desire, I am an empty maw that longs to cram all things inside. “I just want—” I’m a liar: I want it all. A want is what I am, and you are give. I just want, and I find always another I-just-want behind. O God, as everlasting as my need, there was a time this hollow heart was filled: You set a place and sat me down to feed, and every I-just-want at last was stilled. It seems so long ago. I just want, now, to get out of this bed. Please tell me how. O God, though I am only emptiness, you still have made the sun to rise again, and if the day is stale and flavorless, still it is here. So give me courage, then: O God, come to my aid; O Lord, make haste, and fill this hunger once more with your taste. Amen.
Identifying! And wowzers, bravissima.
Wow! This is beautiful and I feel it so deeply 🥹